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Journal: 2018.02.08

How did I get into graphic design? What was the moment? I remember the movie “Boomerang.” Oh, how I wanted to work in the creative department at an advertising agency. So colorful. So full of life. So fast-paced. I also remember watching Beavis and Butthead and catching the Art Institute of Pittsburgh commercials. I remember those commercials that gave me the name of the craft — Graphic Design.

I remember the day I got accepted to the Art Institute. I remember the orientation weekend and meeting other eager creatives. I remember hating my foundational art classes. I just wanted to sit in front of a shiny new Mac and make magazine ads and product packages. I remember wanting to be an architect before I became a designer, but I also remember that my art classes where I got to build things, I excelled. I failed all the other stuff… Miserably…

I remember spending hours upon hours in the school library looking through Graphis Magazine and discovering Communication Arts. Then I went to Borders Books one day and discovered Print magazine. I STILL have the magazines I bought.

That was a long time ago.

Now, after close to 20 years as a design industry talent, I have become bored and jaded. None of this was like Boomerang. Working in corporate and finance was NOT what I expected. Ogilvy wasn’t interested in me. AKQA was another unobtainable name on my “Agency Wishlist.”

Recently I have had some kind of re-awakening and having this connection to media that moves. Not necessarily movies, but commercials and music videos. It has been a scratching on the back of my mind.

I was introduced to photography, video, web and motion graphics back at AIP. It was the VERY beginning of web. Back before there was a world wide web. It was so expensive. I thought it was so out of reach. I watched. I admired. I wished I was part. Regret.

After years of using I thought I found a way in to creation — but only partially.

I discovered Klixxx Magazine and searched for more, but there was no more. The industry was still so alien and infantile. I gave up. I resorted to becoming a career designer for the sake of stability.

The door was too big and too heavy to be kicked in. But I was still so intrigued. So I wiggled my way in through the crack and skirted around the perimeter of the room. Taking in the bits of info that reached the outer walls. I got better with mastering some of my content creation tools. Some people say that I’m pretty good. But I am still just an observer. I haven’t learned what I need to yet…

Now, my soul is begging for me to get as deeply involved in this “media that moves” as I was back when I started designing. The energy in the center of the room is beckoning me to take steps towards it. I am being asked to become a student again and give in wholly. A student of photography, video, motion graphics, 3d modeling and now — UI design.

I think the goal is to do visual design, content creation and UI for the adult entertainment industry. It’s something I have wanted to do forever, but always been a bit timid to let go of the wall and step into the center-room spotlight the industry. It’s still taboo for those closest to me. They have an inkling, but don’t understand the true breadth of why I am consumed and intrigued by the adult entertainment industry.

It goes FAR beyond the obvious.

The industry always seems to be the testing ground for new tech and experimentation as well as creative adaptability — and it’s awesome!

I just finished up watching Altered Carbon on Netflix and liked it a LOT. But what I LOVED was the environment. Yeah, it was dark and seedy and shit, but it was alive — and yet, not. The visual design. The content creation within the world. And then the UI to navigate it all like it is second-nature… I followed the AR industry a while back, but kinda lost the love when I stopped being stimulated by new advances. But I think I found something to latch on to.

“I think this is why I have been so restless over the last decade. I KNOW there is something out there that NEEDS me. But I have been too afraid to disappoint others close to me and feel like I had to make safe decisions to keep stability intact. But in this restlessness, I have found immense unhappiness. An emptiness and loneliness that is starting to manifest itself outwardly. If you have known me for longer than a decade, you have – without a doubt — known that there has been a  shift. That determined dude that wanted to build and empire, conquer the world and reside in the penthouse apartment with the goings-ons that would have made Caligula’s social gatherings look like “amateur hour in a hotel conference room” has been replaced by a docile not-too-well-adjusted guy with only a couple of things to live for… I no longer want that. I want more. I actually, fuckin’ want it all to be perfectly honest.”

SO… Friends. Family. Acquaintances. If you have made it this far and can feel a little bit of that coal that’s being stoked back into the inferno of learning, immersion and growth, I’d like your help. I would like to make my way into the industry. To learn. To prove to myself that I belong there or find out that I was not supposed to be there all along. To discover. To design. To create. To live fully again.

I am going to do everything I know how to build a portfolio that speaks to the industry as well as find some freelance opportunities. Unfortunately I am on the east coast and feel removed from the better part of the web and tech side of adult entertainment. But I am going to make this happen. Love me or hate me. I want my fuckin’ penthouse…